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March 2012

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Mar. 23rd, 2012

It's late

Like 5am.
I'm watching Forrest Gump.
I don't care what time it is anymore XD

Mar. 22nd, 2012

Lonely

I'm writing this because it's past two in the morning and I feel like shit. I've been crying for the past forty minutes and I just can't sleep. I keep thinking about the people I hate and how much I wish I would've fucking lost my shit on them in the past instead of laying here now in my bedroom regretting the hell out of missing those opportunities. I'm thinking about the secrets I've been keeping from my boyfriend because a) I don't ever want to bring them up, and b) I'm still not ready to talk about them.
I know I'm not the only one with secrets and regrets like these but I still can't shake the godforsaken shame I find soaking into my soul tonight.
I feel so alone in this.

Jan. 7th, 2012

angels on the moon




ahhhhhhhhh, this song is amazing.

Jan. 3rd, 2012

Man Named Truth

Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
I'll tell you right now that it ain't no use
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth

Pain was hunting me down but I gave him the slip
I left the city through a tunnel and I headed for the skids
With oregano oil in the morphine drip
Pain was a-hunting me down but I gave him the slip

And I fell in love with identical twins
And there's thirty-four summers between the two of them
I gave one my ego, I gave one my id
Yeah, I got to get back to my pretty little twins

Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
I'll tell you right now that it ain't no use
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth

I was lost for a year in those almond trees
The sun was rising in the south and setting in the east
I was a half awake, I was half asleep
I thought I'd never get out of those almond trees

And don't think too slow in circling the sun
You'll get buried alive when the caterpillar comes
Tapping your time on congo drums
Just don't think too slow in the circling sun

I met a black-skinned man with an ice cream grin
And a blonde afghan with some heroin
And we moved to the mountains where the highway ends
And I got myself that ice cream grin

So don't search too hard for that Aztec gold
Well, like old Cortez, you'll lose your soul
Turn an honest man into Diablo
Yeah, don't trade your soul for no Aztec gold

Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
You look in my eyes, you can (and you'll) see the proof
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth

Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth

Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth
Don't ever buy nothing from a man named Truth

Dec. 20th, 2011

I Miss My Home

I kinda miss Georgia right now. :/ I'm not usually one to take changes badly, but I haven't been out of Georgia for more than a week at a time since we moved there when I was six. I miss the spanish moss and walking around outside barefoot and laying in the grass to smoke a cigarette in the dark because it's too hot during the day to be go out and smoke. I hate the layers of clothes I have wear to stay warm inside, I hate that it's too cold to walk around with my hair wet after I take a shower, and I hate that I can't open my windows at all, especially at night when the crickets should be out. Speaking of, where are all the bugs?? :( I miss the crickets and ladybugs and butterflies and grasshoppers and lightnin' bugs and june beetles and the giant carpenter bees with the really cute faces. I miss hearing rain on my roof and watching lightning from my window. I miss looking for constellations. I miss seeing more stars than airplanes when I look up from my bed. I hate that the air is so dry that I need to cover myself with lotion or my skin itches under my clothes. I hate putting lotion on because I get so cold! And I hate wearing socks to sleep. I miss drinking water from the well in my backyard and getting sweet iced tea in restaurants. I miss baking cookies and watching old TV shows late into the night with my best friend and getting tipsy off wine coolers in her car by the pool. I miss skinny dipping with my cousins in the pond next to their woods. The woods had tall trees that put a leafy halo around the yard where we would play hide-and-seek as soon as it got dark and spend hours sitting by the bonfire. It was the house where my aunt died. and her ashes are buried in the garden in the thick of the roots of a faithful oak with swings hanging from its branches. I miss the hills and antique shops in the town they lived in. I miss the park where we'd all meet for Thanksgiving and the river that slithered through it. I miss pulling over on the side of the highway with my mom to help turtles get across the road. I miss walking down our street to find honeysuckles. I miss walking through town to the cemetery and wondering what the people were like who died too young a hundred years ago and if they ever got the chance to fall in love. I miss going to the same fair for a friend's birthday every October and not needing a jacket until the sun went down and wearing sandals everywhere. I miss the fresh, warm, humid, salty air. I hate the stuffy, stale, stagnant atmosphere in my cold bedroom. I miss the sunshine. :(

Dec. 15th, 2011

gonna kill me.

I don't like anything anymore. the people I talk to aren't entertaining. I get bored easily. Nothing is interesting for very long. Life's like gum after it's lost its flavor. I just spit it all out and look for something more refreshing. I'll never be happy for any length of time. No one thing could keep me happy forever. I go from being overly sympathetic to being totally dispassionate. It's like I feel so much at once that I can't feel anything after it. I just feel empty. These highs and lows are gonna kill me. :(

Dec. 9th, 2011

*yawn*

"When I get stoned.
The world is beautiful.
The colors brighten and glow.
Strings of lights look like constellations
And ceiling lights look like suns.
Because they look so far away.
Thousands of light-years.
Or something."


(-Halfbaked Cloud)


(Be
cau
seS
hedi
dn'tw
antc
aterp
illerso
sockz.)

^that's a sock.

Dec. 4th, 2011

weeds

Dandelion Girl

- Gabriel Gadfly

You grew up
on the side of the road,
between sidewalk cracks,
in backyards full of
tall bahia grass,
pushing aside their
stems so you could
find the sky.


You grew up
beneath the sun
and out in the rain
and under every
booming thunderstorm
an Alabama summer
could throw your way.

Dogs ran through you.
Men, too, trampled you
but you sprung back up,
rumpled, but still bright,
unbowing, even when
they said you were just
a gangly weed that no
one would find beautiful.

(I found you beautiful,
because your face was
the sun, and I find it
everywhere.)

You grew up.
You had to grow up,
grew white and fragile
and one day the wind
came for you and
carried you away.

Fly far.


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3


God, I love dandelions so much. they're so unappreciated. and yellow flowers are my favorite.


I'm so tired. I did some heavy drinking last night and I see that I did some writing too. I'm not gonna look at it or I'll probably delete it.
Ugh, I just want to take a nap. But I have soooo many chores to do! What am I even doing online right now? XD



 I wish everyone loved……

cannabis!
I really believe if everyone smoked pot, we'd all get along.
But then, if everyone agreed with everyone else, we'd probably get a long a lot better anyway.
but i still think we should all pass around a pipe. think of the togetherness!!

Nov. 27th, 2011

never grow up

By ~Pretty-As-A-Picture

I have a monster living underneath my bed.

He’s made up of burnt
frog skin, white-red cobweb veined eyes and a collection of missing
pebble teeth. Sometimes we play scrabble.

(The first time he was
just a mechanical hum beneath the bowing wooden planks, he was just a
faint smell of green and he was just a hot cloud of fog around my lips.
It’s the wind, it’s the wind, I breathed. Then he breathed back, heavy
and loud and monster-like; AM NOT.)

He always spoke in capitals;
MONSTERS ARE MUCH TOO SCARY FOR LOWER-CASED LETTERS, he informed me one
night under pink covers. I shined the flashlight into his eyes until
they changed colour and he bared his teeth.

He sometimes visits
my dreams. The grass turns sickly where he trudges and the woodland
creatures whimper and scramble in his wake. WHERE’S MY HUG? He holds his
warm monster limbs out, palms snatching me from my happy-ever-after and
grins gap-toothily. I manage a chuckle as I buckle in his embrace.

He used to keep me awake with questions- he’d keep me awake with questions that don’t have answers. He’d ask me why, why, why.
And my eyelids would cling to my cheekbones in desperate hope of sleep
but my tongue would slide across the roof of my mouth with thoughts and
sounds.

I held pillows over my eardrums and blared music- but
the ringing of his guttural voice forced through all else and looped
continually. You’re a bad song, I told him, and he kissed my temples
with his sticky fingers.

He knew everything about Tom. He knew
about the hurried, mismatched kiss and the tangle of our hands that day
and the way he spoke my name and my toes tingled. He knew the way he
made my heart and eyelashes flutter and the way he broke my heart. He
heard between the sobbing, absorbing my tears with frog fingers, about
the way he said goodbye.

I told him I loved him and the lime of
his cheeks brightened and his eyes held mine tight and close. I LOVE YOU
TOO. He grumbled in the prettiest way you’d expect of a monster. I held
his webbed fingers and let my heart thump against them.

DON’T
GROW UP, he’d beg from beneath me, on the hard cool floor amongst candy
wrappers and comic books. Never, I’d reply, adopting his grin.

Never.

Nov. 25th, 2011

The Futile

I started writing tonight about bands I loved when I was sixteen.
But part way in to it, I erased it all.
and now I'm wondering what's wrong with me.
All I have to do to write a little bit everyday- the whole world isn't reading it- it's not a big deal.

I don't even know what I'm worried about.

I wanna erase all of this and just forget about writing tonight.
I mean, it's a holiday and I reserved the right to skip today.
I always find an excuse.

Will I ever be back to myself?
I used to be inspired by everything and I never stopped moving and everyone told me I was so good at everything I tried and they'd tell my parents they were so impressed with me. I was so brave and talkative.

And now I'm unemployed uneducated single mom living in my parents home.
I have problems with trusting people. It's like I'm paranoid schizophrenic.
I stay up late because I have nightmares.
I don't hope for anything because I'm afraid of being let down.

I can't stand up for myself because I feel like a deserve everything bad that happens to me.
It's hard to talk about my hobbies and interests because I don't think anyone wants to hear about them.
I have no self esteem, no self confidence, and if someone tries to compliment me, I play it of and assume they have no idea what they're talking about.
I don't believe anyone loves me because I'm too hard to love. I'm too selfish and rude and inconsiderate.

I've felt this way for a long time. I don't know why or how to change it.
All the advice I hear sounds too cheesy. And the promises are too good to be true.

I'm scared I'm gonna be this way for the rest of my life. I don't want to live like this.



No question tonight.
Let's have some sexy Say Anything. Or at least I think that's what the song's about.
Spidersong
-Say Anything

No more promises.
I have made them before and broken them.
Give me the ‘go ahead’ and I'll undress myself for you,
If you’re at all interested now

I’m growing legs
I’m the spider
I’m the spider
I crawl inside her
I’m the…hey

Oh I know your pain.
You, like I, plagued by the flies inside your brain.
Oh I’m creeping up your veins.
Are you smart enough and small enough to play this game?

I’m growing legs
I’m the spider
I’m the spider
I crawl inside her
I’m the…whoa

I better watch my back around you.
You’ve got the movies, the shoes, the do -
You’ve got me oh no, no, no
And I want you to know I want to.

You’ve got those tired eyes all the time.
Yeah, you need someone to bring you to bed.

I’m growing legs
I’m the spider

I am cold,
Too cool to call you,
Far too stoned to leave my bed.
I’ll write this song to win your kiss
But stay asleep instead.

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